I can’t fit into this reality anymore. Everything I see and hear just sounds so crazy. What I mean by this is that it’s difficult to live in a limited awareness environment, a place where most people have given their power over to a god that never hears their prayers.
I asked my partner this morning if his swollen leg was better. He couldn’t walk all week because of swelling and severe pain, thus was not able to make the trip to the mainland today for therapy. He answers:”I’m a bit better, I think I can walk but I will stay in bed one more day just to be on the safe side”.
My first thought reaction was: “I’m better but I will sabotage the progress because I’m afraid if I get up I will injure myself”. This is how I interpreted his response. I didn’t agree with his statement so I suggested that perhaps walking to the bathroom instead of pissing in the pot for starters might help with circulation and that his fear was holding him back from recovery. He got upset at my suggestion and accused me of being insensitive. I know when to pull back, so I did and reminded him that he knows best.
It’s statements like this that leave me wondering why I even bother to raise my level of awareness. It’s frustrating to hear and see people, not only my partner sabotage any progress by being afraid of recovery. I believe my partner has benefit from being ill, it suits him for whatever reason but when I try to help him with this destructive thought process, he simply gets angry and rejects any effort to change it.
At the market this morning, one of the clerks asked me how he was. I said he was doing fine, without going into detail because I already knew the response I would get. “Poor you”she says, “I know what it’s like taking care of a sick husband”. Because I knew she was low awareness, I couldn’t tell her I was not poor me nor was my life any worse off because my partner chose that experience. She would think I was nuts because I didn’t confirm her victim mentality.
Where am I? This is what I keep asking myself all day long because I feel that I’m the only one that is awake and aware and my challenge is that I must express this love with everyone regardless of how I feel. I’m not there yet. I feel that I’m here physically, but somewhere else spiritually and that I split in two by mistake.